I feel guilty when I rest.
January 18th, 2009
Why is that? Why do we often feel guilty when we rest? I’m not talking about going to sleep at night or accidentally (on purpose) napping in the recliner… I’m talking about a lifestyle – for a season – I’m talking about purposeful rest from like now till spring – you know… as in the dead of winter, when the plants are even dormant. Why can’t we also be dormant for about three months – without feeling guilty. Nobody is making me tired – I’ve tired myself out. When my wife died, I was determined to land on my feet and hit the groud running! And I have! And now I’m tired. I know I need real rest. And nobody is making me feel guilty about that except me – now why is that! It makes me mad. My father calls it my ‘Victory Lap’ – I like that – it’s as if I landed on my feet and hit the ground running after the death of my wife (and my mother-in-law just two months later)), and now I’m gonna slow down – way down – and take my victory lap. But… I don’t even know if I’ve survived! I don’t even know if it’s really sunk in, that my wife died – I mean… MY WIFE DIED!!!!!!!!! That’s HUGE!!!! And while I’ve been trying to survive, my mother-in-law died. And then my only uncle died. And then my only aunt. And our housekeeper (who unselfishly served our family for like forty six years – (she was like a grandmother to me))! It’s like after some steps forward – I got knocked back a few steps. Maybe that’s another reason why I need rest – maybe I’ve been too busy (trying to survive and do good) to concentrate enough on what’s happened and accept the fact that my wife died, plus all those others whom I loved. I wonder if perhaps I’ve tried to thrive before I really survived – that may be it. I thought I grieved my wife’s death before she died, while she was terminal, which lasted fifteen months – that’s a long time to be terminal!!! But looking back, I don’t think I grieved – instead, I tried to unselfishly serve her – I just wanted to love her to death… Now I shall rest, and I don’t wanna feel guilty about that, but…
